...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
