Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dicks are not precious.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
