I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
