This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There r osticjed everywhere
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
