I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
