My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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