Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
