she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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