I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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