Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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