Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
