Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
