Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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