So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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