My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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