The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
