filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She's the barista slut.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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