I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I met the friendliest cop last night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
