I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
