I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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