I have demons in me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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