i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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