I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together