Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
