i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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