he puts the penis in happiness.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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