The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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