just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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