im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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