I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
