i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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