You made me cry and you don't even care
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Randomize
