I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
