I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
