I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just gargled with NyQuil
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
