I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
