Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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