I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
