idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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