Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
