Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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