I could make wine with my vomit
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
