I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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