I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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