Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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