im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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