I think i peed on brittanys purse
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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