dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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