a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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