"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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