Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I need moral support for this bender
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
