she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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