hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
