I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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