i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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