Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
