My friends, they love my intelligence
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
