do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Come see our sink grown plant.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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