i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
