yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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